Green Zeal: renewables and ration packs

I genuinely think the masses love the incandescent light bulb. There is something honest about the old 100W – its brutal light reminding us of the compromise that man must make when living with new technology.

Energy saving light bulbs arguably offer too much. Their light is softer, more pervasive and even cheaper. They do not die – a fact which is possibly the most wounding to the cynical shopper.

One of earliest memories is of a hideous light shade which used to adorn the fitting in my grandmother’s living room. Is it a uniquely British or Indian trait to decorate a house with such tat? Probably neither – it is more likely a habit which comes with age, at the same time the idea of God becomes plausible, the monarchy becomes necessary and beige becomes beautiful.

The lamp shade is now even less necessary than it has been. It will soon be a relic. Soon “Energy efficient light bulbs” will simply be called “light bulbs” and children will not remember the blue and red blind spots burning onto their retinas, as the lights were switched on a darkened evening

From Tuesday, incandescent light bulbs were being phased out through stores across the land. Sad days for us all

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Martin lay supine on the sofa, wondering what to do next. He’d attached so much value and anticipation to his shower, and now that it was over, he was back where he’d begun. This damned “smart energy” document that he had to read before the conference call at midnight.

He shifted position, sat upright and rigid-backed. Wearing nothing but a towel in loosely-tied sarong fashion, he looked like a Malian tribesperson at a job interview. Turning on the TV, he was both horrified and amused to find that a programme about smart energy was being broadcast. He stretched his legs, and turned up the volume.

“Smart energy,” the breathy, slightly irksome female presenter said, “Is the most important concept of our generation.”

Yeah, right, thought the shower-fresh but dog-tired Martin.

“Smart energy,” she continued, is, as it’s name suggests, very clever. Smart Energy isn’t just the future, it’s the only means we have of guaranteeing us a future at all. I spoke to Professor James McConnell at the University of Bradford, and expert in the field, to explain more.”

Oh god, Martin thought. It was with James McConnell that he was scheduled for the conference call. He looked different on TV to how he did in real life, not smarter, actually, but more grizzled, rough-looking. Was it just affectation?

“One cannot underestimate the significance of smart energy,” the good professor opined. “Smart energy is the only energy we can afford to invest in.”

Oh, thanks Professor, thought Martin, beginning to regret his failure to moisturise after drying off.

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Here in the office we have been in hot debate over the best sources of energy saving light available. Increasingly it seems that the lowly light bulb is being looked on with disdain – its harsh beams anachronistic in these days of soft glowing plasma screens and iPhones. Please see our top 5 energy saving light sources below

1. The Sun – an obvious one we know, but with the advent of global warming, this is a source of energy saving light which we feel will be ever more present. A colleague of mine pointed out “The Sun” is not actually the source, but we should be thanking the nuclear fusion inside The Sun’s core. However, he was ignored as he is an ass
2. The burning of books. Now I know that many readers will be shocked that this source would achieve the lofty position of #2, being both bad for carbon levels, education standards and society in general. We strongly believe however, that if all religious and politically left-leaning documents and publications were burnt for heating and their readers sent to farms and manual work-houses, this could actually reduce the UK’s carbon output by replacing heavy industry with “the human workhorse”. It therefore genuinely deserves the tag of an energy saving light
3. The energy saving light bulb is probably an obvious entry into this list. There is probably little else to say, apart from that the light bulbs are good for the wallet and for the environment
4. The fluorescent tube – although aesthetically unpleasant, a sign of poverty and in some cases annoyingly noisy, that they have provided energy saving light since before my birth, justfies scoring these bad boys number four in our list
5. The LED. The most efficient emitter of energy saving light and available in an assortment of colours apart from white. Propping up this list only because of it’s impracticality for household lighting

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As the empty dessert plates were ferried out and the coffees in by the grimly efficient Vanessa, conversation turned to renewable energy, environmental issues, things Martin knew nothing about.

I have neither the desire nor the ability to contribute to this discussion on renewable energy, he thought, heaping sugar into the steaming cup of black stuff set before him.

He tried to follow the conversation, but the truth was it bored him, bored him to absolute distraction, all this talk of saving the planet. He found it very hard to think of the planet as something he had the ability to save; the planet was, after all, significantly larger than he was, a 5’10” tax consultant from Woolwich. So the planet was going to die one day. Big deal. He was going to die one day. Maybe today.  Renewable energy had little to do with it.

 As his thoughts turned to dying, he must have inadvertently gestured in such a way that his friends thought he had something to say. Or maybe Henry, the ringleader, was simply being polite and opening up the discussion. Maybe Henry, Debating Society Champion type through and through, was simply being a renewable energy c**t.

“What are your thoughts on this, Martin? Is there any life in all this renewable energy talk?”

Sarah chipped in: “Is there life in it. Is there life in it. Of course there’s fucking life in it. Your life. My life. Our kids’ lives. How on earth else are we going to sustain ourselves?”

 Henry scoffed, loading a cracker with stilton. Sarah eyes seems to appeal directly to Martin, as if he alone might have the verve and intelligence to set her arse of a husband straight. Martin took a tentative, bird-like sip from his still steaming coffee and tried to think of something even remotely worthwhile to say. After ten very long seconds: “Excuse me, I just need to pop to the toilet.”  “To hell with Renewable Energy”, he thought.

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