Take a look to your left and your right. Chances are, that three-quarters of the people that you see will be dead within the next nine months. It is not likely that you can do much for them, but by following our simple guide below you should be able to save your self.

Get out of the city

Zombies love the city and therefore you should not. Anyone who has travelled the streets of Liverpool will understand what I mean – the streets ring with the howling of the cursed and the smell of decay permeates all shelters.

Stick to the hills and the rural countryside – such places alien today, but the uncivilised farmers who reside their now, will seem like kings of sophistication when compared to a marauding band of starved accountants stampeding through the streets of our cities.

Find some transport and shelter

Mel Gibson had his car and Kevin Costner had his boat. You will need something too – to hold-up in for long periods of time, to keep out outlaws and protect you from the possible large insects and toxic smoke that may be trying to get in.

You will need to use your best judgment to make the decision on where and what form this takes, but this writer will find the sturdiest land-rover-caravan combination he can steal from a pensioner and spend much of the next few years hiding in a barn in the North Yorkshire Moors

Hoard some ration packs

Ration packs will be the most vital piece to this problem – both as sustenance through catastrophe and tradable items to barter and trade during the development of the new world and economy.

Some will tell you that super noodles will do, or that game will be in plenty supply too hunt once the UK population is effectively zero. However, we all know that even the most brutish omnivore could survive on boiled pasta alone. It is likely true that if you are reading this, it is quite unlikely that you ever be able to hunt and gather your own food and water.

See here for the biggest range of ration packs in the country

Get a weapon

The British are not blessed with the freedom to build up private arsenals. This is a sanction which prevents the more disgruntled city workers from gunning down more civilians and ensures that the deer population remains buoyant.

However, when disaster strikes, a sturdy gun will be vital- useful for both protection of self and procurement of others’ food and possessions. If guns and bullets cannot be found, I would suggest a strong cricket bat, a large can of hairspray and a greasy Zippo lighter.

Entertainment

Man will go mad without nourishment of the mind and soul. This may be difficult to find in the post apocalyptic worlds and relics of our former culture will be vital.

A piece of string and a firm grip will provide months of fun and entertainment when mixed with a good imagination. This writer will personally be stowing away a home brew kit mixed and some chilli Tabasco – being wise enough to know that there is only a very thin line between pleasure and pain.

Energy saving light bulbs arguably offer too much. Their light is softer, more pervasive and even cheaper. They do not die – a fact which is possibly the most wounding to the cynical shopper.

One of earliest memories is of a hideous light shade which used to adorn the fitting in my grandmother’s living room. Is it a uniquely British or Indian trait to decorate a house with such tat? Probably neither – it is more likely a habit which comes with age, at the same time the idea of God becomes plausible, the monarchy becomes necessary and beige becomes beautiful.

The lamp shade is now even less necessary than it has been. It will soon be a relic. Soon “Energy efficient light bulbs” will simply be called “light bulbs” and children will not remember the blue and red blind spots burning onto their retinas, as the lights were switched on a darkened evening

From Tuesday, incandescent light bulbs were being phased out through stores across the land. Sad days for us all

However when it comes to being on the sharp edge of renewable energy, they have much to boast about. They are a net exporter of energy – replying to all the fossil fuels which they import with the renewable energy source of hydropower. Their primary source of energy is a sustainable biomass plant – indeed their requirement for renewable energy and the sustenance of their environment is enshrined in their constitution.

Their motivation for this behaviour stems from their following of GNH (Gross National Happiness), a type of measurement of income which countries with low actual output, measure their success by.

It is reckoned that Bhutan feature so high up the list of GNH, due to their preference of renewable energy sources, which generally makes everyone pretty smug and content with themselves.

A recent UN report reckons this is a model that can be exported across the globe, whereby the replacement of dirty old fossil fuel burning power plants are replaced with shinny new complexes, quietly producing renewable energy.

Furthermore, they are suggesting that Bhutan becomes a hydrogen-exporting nation – allowing other nations to power their cars, homes and businesses via hydrogen and oxygen molecular fusion. This hydrogen can be easily produced in Bhutan with their high abundance of water, low electricity prices and steely focus on renewable energy.

However questions must be asked about safety in this small and poorly managed country. In the 1930’s German has the Hindenburg disaster whilst trying to harness this hydrogen renewable energy source. One may be inclined to wonder about the wisdom of placing such hydrogen producing facilities so close to the Indian / Pakistani / Chinese boarder. One questions, what so much combustible material, in such a political hotspot may do to the future GNH.

How does the energy saving light bulbs fit into this? Tenuously, is probably the answer – but you may be the judge of this.

The set of needs are as follows (although not necessarily in this order):
1. Food / water
2. Social influence
3. Sex
4. Sleep
5. Drugs

There are many other desires / needs that we squeeze into these categories – for example we assume the need to accumulate wealth is done in order to eventually increase social influence, and love is only desired in order for sex.

Many people will disagree with all of the above.

Energy saving light bulbs is a tricky requirement to categorise. Bought mainly by those wishing to see green, they arguably fulfil the need for social improvement and influence. We think not. We think that these bulbs are comparable to the need for drugs – the need for the physical or emotional high in the short-term.

The energy saving light bulb is the heroin of the lighting world. It provides a short-term emotional and moral high on the first hit or install. However, once the whole house is complete, the drab haze becomes a confused constant.

The safety standards in Chinese factories are often quite bad – particularly those that produce energy saving light bulbs. Contamination from the mercury vapour used in these bulbs has caused the death of over 1 million proletarian workers over the past six years.

An increased appetite for energy saving light bulbs from the West is only set to make this issue worse. The addiction to energy saving light bulbs, lower carbon emissions and moral superiority is predicted to increases supply by 600% over the next year. This in-turn is expected to increase employment by 10m, in the energy saving light bulb industry.

In 2007, in a single factory employing 123 people, a 121 were diagnosed as having dangerously high levels for mercury in their blood. Extrapolating these figures – we should expect over 9.5million cases of mercury poisoning over the next year. From our calculations this will result in over 4 million deaths, in China due to the production of energy saving light bulbs.

Although Green Zeal largely supports the increased production and proliferation of the energy saving light bulbs, we have deep concerns over the number of Chinese deaths which will be the inevitable result of the increased demand for these bulbs.

We therefore suggest that production of these bulbs should be moved to Scotland and Wales. By a reduction in the minimum wage in these areas and the development of energy saving lig bulb hubs, we can expect reduction in carbon emissions, improvements in UK balance of payments (due to increased exports) and tangential social improvements, due to population reductions in Scotland and Wales.

Vestas is in many ways a fine example of one of its renewable energy businesses – being profitable, hi-tech and Danish. Their slick website, draped in the usual white, boasts of a Euro 9bn market cap and Euro 500 million net profits per year.

Vestas do have a problem, however. It lies somewhere between poor employment practices and poor PR – culminating in the attempted forced removal of 25 employees for the Island’s offices. They were protesting over the closure of the renewable energy factory and the subsequent loss of 625 jobs. At Green Zeal we are not completely sure how this sit-in will help prevent these job losses.

A chief argument of the protesters is that these job loses have come at a time when Vestas has posted record profits. It brings into question weather businesses which produce “morally beneficial” products and services, should maintain morally superior business practices? Should renewable energy businesses which brag about the conservation of the environment consider their employees to be part of this environment?

We think not. It is unlikely that this particular factory was so profitable and we must assume that Vestas were doing the sensible thing by its shareholders and business by closing the site and moving production away. Like any other business, issues of morals and preservation fall far lower than those of efficiency and profitability. Labels such as “renewable” are purely to attract consumer attention and do not speak of any underlying ethical beliefs of the business.

Such events are further signs of how the “renewable energy business”, will soon just be rightly called the “energy business”.

Their goals in this case are not purely environmental. They are tasked to with producing new forms of weaponry for modern forms of warfare. Using similar techniques to those used for producing energy saving light bulbs, they are learning how to translate low power sources into high impact cutting devices.

These devices rely on intense forms of heat and light to burn through solid materials and superheat liquids. The efficiency of these devices based on energy saving light products is up to 80% – simply this means that a single AA battery can boil over a thousand litres of water.

The chemical mixtures used to produce these beams are the same used in the development of energy saving light. Combined in alloy cases with over ten times the transparency of glass, reduce the energy loss through the filament and the target substance.

These cases have been produced in a number of shapes ideal for industrial and military purposes. Low powered cutting devices have already been used to cut through soft wood and thin sheets of metal. Increasing the energy input to these devices should see these “sabres” able to burn and metal through thin sheets of steel or titanium. Further efficiencies and increase power sources should see a further strengthening of these light beams.

This is an example of how experimental and production techniques used to in the production of energy saving light have further applications outside the home.

However, I would like to address the subject human energy conservation – after all, the phrase “energy saving light” is very ambiguous over which form of energy is of concern, and the ingested calorie is a hard fought prize.

I am therefore dedicating this article to the “clapper”. For those of you thinking otherwise, this is the device which allows light to be switched on in the home, without the need of tiresome stretching, walking or standing. Indeed the resultant rays beaming from your bulb (energy efficient or not) is the truest form of energy saving light that man has invented.

The Google Search for “clap light switch” brings up the less than delightful Maplin website with a whole assortment of [human] energy saving light fittings – the clap switch being only a highlight of infrared, motion controlled and other human energy saving devices.

Each has a lovely caption embedded stating how appropriate they are for the elderly and infirm. I think this somewhat misses the point – the human energy saving light fitting being useful for all, as we all should be concerned with the conservation of energy, in whatever form it exists.

The fat should be an example to us all about energy saving light. I once had a chubby friend who could claim to have the lowest electricity bills down is street due to his dual philosophy of low rates of excursion and high rates of energy conservation

He shifted position, sat upright and rigid-backed. Wearing nothing but a towel in loosely-tied sarong fashion, he looked like a Malian tribesperson at a job interview. Turning on the TV, he was both horrified and amused to find that a programme about smart energy was being broadcast. He stretched his legs, and turned up the volume.

“Smart energy,” the breathy, slightly irksome female presenter said, “Is the most important concept of our generation.”

Yeah, right, thought the shower-fresh but dog-tired Martin.

“Smart energy,” she continued, is, as it’s name suggests, very clever. Smart Energy isn’t just the future, it’s the only means we have of guaranteeing us a future at all. I spoke to Professor James McConnell at the University of Bradford, and expert in the field, to explain more.”

Oh god, Martin thought. It was with James McConnell that he was scheduled for the conference call. He looked different on TV to how he did in real life, not smarter, actually, but more grizzled, rough-looking. Was it just affectation?

“One cannot underestimate the significance of smart energy,” the good professor opined. “Smart energy is the only energy we can afford to invest in.”

Oh, thanks Professor, thought Martin, beginning to regret his failure to moisturise after drying off.

And Christmas is well know for its fancy light decorations and beautiful, colourful lamps. As a new change to the event, more number of cities have realised that it is a better and smarter way to use safer, greener, more effective LED energy saving light bulbs.
It is believed that all the Christmas trees from Rockefeller centre all the way till Cincinnati’s Fountain Square will be decorated with LED lights, including the holiday displays on the streets.
LED lights are efficient and better than that of the other incandescent lights. Light Emitting Diodes, better known as LEDs run much cooler and consumes only about one-fourth of electricity as compared to incandescent lights. Even though LED energy saving light bulbs maybe a little higher priced, it really pays back by reducing the electricity consumed by them.